What did you watch? The Indiana Jones finale, The Dial Of Destiny, which I wanted to see in theaters, but didn’t, and so I watched it on Disney+, participating in the downfall of cinema.

Did they get the Young Indiana Jones right? Well, they got the de-aged Harrison Ford pretty okay.

There’s enough out there that I don’t need to recap the Indiana Jones series to you, do I? It’s the only one not filmed by Steven Spielberg or other involvement from George Lucas. That’s like the heart & soul of swashbuckling filmmaking people my age grew up on, but then they also made the 4th Indiana Jones movie, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, which I’ll get to later.

Dial of Destiny picks up years after Kingdom, in 1969, where Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones is a professor at a university in NYC, on the cusp of retiring. He’s separated from Marion because neither could handle the loss of Mutt, their son that was revealed to Indiana in Kingdom, but whose actor kinda wrote himself out of the story by agreeing with the general public on the flatness of that film. Oh, there’s a sizeable opening set in the last days of Germany’s part in World Ward 2, where a de-aged Harrison Ford is on a train with a buddy of his trying to grab a few historical and mystical artifacts away from Nazi scientist Voller. That’s where they discover the Dial Of Destiny, a device invented by a Greek mathematician that could cause time travel through a fissure in the sky.

Okay, so in 1969, depressed Indy is all alone and annoyed with the world and not looking forward to retirement but his students don’t care about archeology. His goddaughter, Helena, daughter of Indy’s buddy from the CGI train ride at the beginning, shows up. She is looking for the Dial Of Destiny. Indy still has it, and willingly shows it to her. Some hired goons show up, murder some of Indy’s coworkers at the university, and chase Helena and Indy. Indy gets away on horseback during a parade honoring the Apollo 11 astronauts, and is on the run since now everyone thinks he shot and killed two of his coworkers.

I don’t know what CSI is like in 1969. Also the goons are aided by the CIA, and I get that the CIA does not have the cleanest record BUT I doubt they’d allow a couple of bodyguards to kill people randomly, in the presence of one of their agents. But Indy is wanted for murder, later that night is spotted by some burnout dude in one of those scenes where people are watching the news on TVs from a store window. The burnout dude is knocked out by Indy’s old pal Sallah, who moved his family to NYC to be a cab driver and just happen to be there when Indy is in trouble. He drives Indy to the airport, and this is where I wonder: if Indy is spotted by Some Dude on the street, surely a good number of sober and alert people at an airport would recognize him? Again, it’s 1969, not 2002, but there’s gotta be some resistance here, and the tone is set up – this old man who is wanted by the cops is easily recognizable.

Okay, doesn’t matter, he makes it to a foreign country and the first place he walks into is a shady bar/casino where Helena is selling the Dial Of Destiny to the highest bidder. Was this the first place he looked? I don’t know. Indy brings a whip to a gun battle when he tries to claim the Dial, and typical chaos ensues, including an elaborate chase where Indy, Helena, and her underage sidekick Teddy chase Voller and his murderous goons as she’s also chased by an ex boyfriend who is the son of a local mobster, and that’s why there’s more shooting and somehow their three wheel scooter keeps up and/or evades the two fancy cars driven by Voller & his Nazi goons and Helena’s ex for what seems like forever.

More stuff happens. I think I described the dumbest part of the movie, where I said to myself, “everyone in this movie is stupid.” I don’t want to nitpick, like in that first CGI reel where young Indy knocks out a German soldier and dumps him out of the front seat, and as he hops in, two German officers hop in the back. Did they not see the driver that Indy had just threw out on the ground? That’s nitpicking. This was an action sequence of such slapstick stupidity that I’m surprised I didn’t shut it off.

There are CASUALTIES in this movie, characters who help Indy and are likable, who are gunned down by Vollmer’s crew. But Helena’s ex, as his own mobster underlings are shot by Vollmer’s goons, continues to chase her. Why not introduce him in the bar as she’s selling the Dial? Why when she is trying to flee Vollmer? Why did she go to a country where her jealous ex with mobster connections owns the place? Well, WELL, doesn’t matter, they’re just there as another group to give chase so that Indy and a 12 year old can fight over the steering wheel of a three wheeled scooter that can somehow take more beating on crowded streets than two regular cars filled with gun toting killers, for what seems like an hour (it isn’t…but…this movie is long).

The movie picks up from there, as Indy & Helena & Teddy go hither and yon to find the other half of the Dial of Destiny with Vollmer always right behind him. Vollmer has some Nazis waiting for him as they take Jones on a flight and set the Dial for 1939, but Vollmer has not take into account “continental drift,” with the ancient Greeks wouldn’t have figured out back, and their plane ends up somewhere else. There’s a bit of Apocalypse Now where one of the Nazis is taken down by a spear, but I don’t know if the filmmakers thought to properly reference that bit. Indy wants to stay behind, since he can witness history, but Helena drags him back to 1969, leaving Indy to patch up what’s left of his life, The End.

Was it good? Uh. Hmmm. It was okay.

Was it better than Kingdom Of The Crystal Skulls? They were both equally disappointing and also not the letdowns that everyone says they are.

The movie picks up again when Indy & friends end up on a boat to go diving, and then the seemingly nonstop talking about their backstories including flashbacks pretty much stops as Indy is dragged into time travel, something that as far as these movies go he wouldn’t be able to comprehend, much less talk or fight his way out of, despite his efforts. Voller and his hired killers are pretty good villains. The movie is long, but doesn’t completely drag. Kingdom Of The Crystal Skulls falls apart as it’s just CGI setpiece on CGI setpiece – they’re on amphibious vehicles fighting with swords, then they’re going over giant waterfalls, then they’re opening this cave that has shrinking stairs…geez do I need to watch it again? I was actually happy for the schmaltzy Indy & family ending, because hey, at least it’s an ending and the movie’s over. But it started off pretty promising. Here, Indy has to be paired with another character and we get explanations of who Helena is from talking, other characters, and flashbacks, and there’s a point where Indy yells at her about laughing after his friend was killed, which is what I wanted to do.

I was wondering if the other Indy movies had flashbacks, and they did – The Last Crusade also opened with a long action sequence of a young Indiana Jones on a circus train, which has a great cutaway to 1938 Indy getting punched in the face by the same goons. Dial of Destiny opens with a long bit of Indy and friend finding the Dial. Are both openings necessary? Crusade introduces Indy’s father. Dial introduces Vollmer. Could either have been written different ways? I ask because there’s a lot of movies that have extended sequences introducing a concept or potential problem for everyone, and then it’s “5 years later” or “15 years later.” For instance, in Godzilla (2014), did they need that opening big? Sure, Bryan Cranston loses his wife, and reintroduced as the protagonist’s conspiracy nut father 15 years later, but…does it need that? Is there a way to convey this without such a long flashback sequence? Couldn’t someone show up asking about the Dial, sending him on the adventure to keep it out of the hands of Vollmer?

Why have flashbacks in an Indy movie, anyway? I wish movies would stop doing this. We don’t have a flashback intro in Ghostbusters where they’re getting their college degrees. There’s plenty of ways to inform the audience of who is who and how they go their before the Call To Adventure rings in their ears.

I think what’s impressive is that there’s no hint that we’ll be following Helena and Teddy, unlike maybe how if Kingdom had worked out a little better, we thought we’d be watching Mutt Jones and The Dial Of Destiny or something like that. It just kinda ends with someone ready to live out the last years of his life.

This movie is long. It could have shaved a half hour. It doesn’t need flashbacks, though I actually liked the bits in the Nazi train – I thought de-aged Harrison Ford (actually a stand in with CGI Ford face) looked pretty good. It was when he was on top of the train when I thought we were watching a cartoon.

Dial Of Destiny is considered a box office bomb because it cost a ridiculous amount of money, and didn’t make double or triple that. It was a pretty good movie, frankly – not the failure some may make it out to be, but not great, not worth 2.5 hours.